Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A Step in the Right Direction

Actually, more like a few leaps in the right direction!

Today was a wonderfully productive day. I've been up since 7 a.m. and normally I'm exhausted by the time I get out of class at 2, but today was different. I crossed so many things off of my theoretical "to do" list; many of those things had to do with my major, minors, and study abroad.

I know you probably don't care what I accomplished, but I do. I even called my mom to tell her everything I did today that made me a more accomplished person. Here's what I did (somewhat in order, but at the same time, not necessarily exact)
  • Woke up at the crack of dawn (aka 7 a.m.) and got ready for class
  • Went to econ and paid attention for (almost) the entire lecture
  • Hung out with Luke for a bit in the library
  • Completed my Business Law pre-quiz, wrote down department, name, office building, and office hours for all of my advisers and professors I needed to speak with
  • Went to Dr. H's office to sign up for our mandatory advising hours, mine are tomorrow at 11:15 a.m. (I told Luke we basically received death threat e-mails about meeting with our major advisers... okay, so it wasn't that intense, but they did threaten to place a hold on our registration if we didn't meet with our advisors... every Cal Poly student's worst nightmare)
  • Talked to Dr. H about my elective units, to my great excitement, almost every single one of the classes I'm taking for my Spanish minor count towards my upper division electives!
  • Went to the business building to see if I could get information about my minor (the girl was very helpful... thank you business computer girl!)
  • Went to my Contemporary Advertising class where we decided on a product to advertise
  • Picked up my pay check from working for the DRC last quarter (only $50, but still something)
  • Got lucky that the "Evaluations" office was open (every single time I've ever walked past it, it's been closed...)
  • Changed my transcript so that a class I took over the summer last year counts towards my Business minor
  • Found out that it was totally fine if I double minored
  • I e-mailed Professor Swanson about the next PR class I need to take
  • I e-mailed PRspectives about a potential job with them
  • I e-mailed a lady about a potential summer job/internship
  • Searched for job openings on campus and around SLO
  • Searched for summer internships
  • Told more people about the magazine club (still getting the word out, Nikol!)
  • Looked up exchange rates for US dollars to the Euro
  • Came up with a name for my Spanish blog (aka, what I will write in when I'm writing about my trip in Spain)
  • picked up stuff I needed at Longs (like toothpaste and pictures to sent to the grandparents)
  • Went to kick boxing
I was so excited about everything I accomplished today. It gave me so much energy this afternoon. I wouldn't stop talking about it around Luke; like I said, I even called my mother to inform her about my major accomplishments.

I don't think I've ever had a day when I felt as though I accomplished quite so much. I'm so proud of myself.

Unfortunately, that energy I had from all of my accomplishments basically came crashing down about an hour ago. I got upset with Luke about a bunch of stuff that wasn't really even his fault. I'm sorry about that. I tend to do that and it's a problem

On the plus side, Luke and I ended up talking a lot about what was bothering me and why. A lot of it has to do with me freaking out about leaving for Spain (yes, I know what you're thinking, Luke says the same thing. "Rachel, you're not leaving for another six months. It is a great experience. Lots of people don't even get to study abroad. Stop complaining."). I know all of that, and I am so excited, I'm just scared. (More on this at some other point)

A lot of stuff actually ended up coming out in that conversation with Luke. I think I've realized at least part of the reason I am the way I am with certain relationships, how I act around people, etc. Of course, as with the Spain thing, I will probably end up writing an entire blog about this, but I just want to give an example.

My Example: I absolutely positively HATE inviting myself places.
No matter who it is with, what they are doing.. it doesn't matter. I always feel as though I am not wanted or not invited or not welcome. At first I thought it just stemmed from me being conscious of other people's plans; like, "maybe they just want it to be that group of people and if I come, I'll be throwing off their entire plan," or something along those lines.
Maybe it is partially that, but there is definitely more to it. Like, I don't even think my best friends want me around, I don't think my boyfriend wants to spend time with me, etc. I realized that part of that fear of being unwelcome or not wanted comes from my high school experience.
I've mentioned before that I hate high school (once again, more on that in a different blog), but the repercussions of my awful experience have followed me in to college and will most likely follow me even further than this.
In high school, specifically junior and senior years, I didn't feel as though people wanted to be around me. Actually, it wasn't just a feeling, it was the truth. I lost a lot of friends and basically ended up a lone for over a year of my high school life. If I get in to the explanation of all this right now, this blog will be WAY longer than it already is at this point. Anyway, nobody wanted me around during that time period. I've never gotten over that. I used to have a group of friends I loved and who loved me and who wanted me to make plans and be around me and stuff. Everybody ALWAYS called me to figure out what was going on, what the plans were, and I always knew.
When all of that went away, so did my confidence with assuming I was welcome somewhere. When I lost the friends I thought I'd have my entire life, I lost my confidence, and my common sense about whether somebody genuinely likes to be around me or was just pretending. I even miss(ed) the signals that people give/gave that said "honestly, I don't really like you or want you to be around."
When I told Luke all of this, he started to understand where I was coming from. It helped him to see why I'm so reserved about calling people about weekend plans, or even texting people to see if they want to watch a TV show with me on a random night of the week.

Obviously, that's just an example. I'll go in to my high school years in another blog... maybe.
In any case, a cautionary piece of advice to all my friends: I don't like calling you to see what is going on. It makes me very uncomfortable. If I call you, I will constantly make sure that it is okay for me to join you in whatever is happening. If I ask if you want somebody else to come along, it's not because I don't want to spend time with just you; it's because I am worried that you would rather spend time with that other person. I'm worried that you don't want me around, and I need to have affirmation that you do. I know it is absolutely ridiculous and I don't mean to be a pain in the ass about all this stuff, but it does come from past experiences and it scares me to let my guard down around somebody enough to trust that they truly and honestly want me there and want to spend time with me.
I'm sorry for being like that. I really am working on it, I know it's annoying, but it's just how I am right now. Thanks for helping me work through it.

Okay, now that I've written this blog I feel as though I can add one more thing to my accomplishments list. I really needed to get this stuff off my chest. I needed to brag about my accomplishments, and explain a little bit about myself because it was a sort of revelation I came to about myself while I was having my long conversation with Luke.

I'm done now. Why is it that my blogs are always so much longer than I intend for them to be? Everybody else's are always so much shorter than mine. I feel bad that people actually spend the time reading these blogs that are so ridiculously long.

Give me your feedback, though. If you think I should cut them down a bit, please let me know. I have no problem cutting down some of them to make them shorter if you think that would be better. If you like them long, let me know that too. That way, I will know that you don't mind reading this much most of the time.

Also, do I write too often? I've written almost every single day this past week. Is that too much to read? Sorry about that...

I really do appreciate those of you who read my blog. I was worried that nobody would read it, and even if nobody does, I still like writing in it. So even if you all stop reading, I'll still be writing.

This blog is the closure to a very exciting, accomplished, long day. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Love.

2 comments:

nikol said...

you are my friend and you are always invited anywhere we go. don't feel bad about including yourself. if i'm doing something that for some strange reason i don't want you to be a part of (which would most likely be never) then i'll definitely let you know and we can talk about it. that's what i like about you- we can talk openly and not worry about anything.

you are a great friend and i want you around!!!

office tomorrow. =) you better be there.

nikol said...

p.s. the blog is for YOU. write as often as you want. =) people will read. at least i will!