Wednesday, May 27, 2009

out of decaf?!

This morning I went to get my daily cup of tea before Econ.
I normally drink decaf.
They didn't have any.
I drank the caffeinated stuff anyway, and by half way through my Econ class I was so anxious and wanting to leave class so badly.
But I couldn't.

Caffeine and naturally high levels of anxiety do not make a good mix. One of the worst feelings ever.

It still hasn't worn off and I just want it to go away.

Monday, May 25, 2009


Sometimes being hopeful can be excruciating.

Hopeful can cause pain.
Hopeful can cause anxiety.
Hopeful can lead to tears.

When hopeful works out, hopeful can be the best thing in the world.
When it doesn't work out, though, hopeful can cause the world to come crashing down.

Hopeful can lead to misplaced optimism.
Hopeful can affect your ability to see clearly.
Hopeful can screw you over if you depend on it.

I know all these things.
I know that being hopeful won't prevail.
I know that my hopes will hurt me in the end.
And yet... I can't stop.

Despite the pain of being hopeful, despite my pessimistic outlook on life, despite always thinking that things will end badly (and they normally do), I am hopeful.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

still learning

I really recommend everybody listening to this song. It's inspirational and it speaks so much truth. I'm still learning... but having some help would be/is amazing.

Learning How To Bend - Gary Allan

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

click here to watch the music video

I'm still trying to understand that I don't need to know what is going to happen and how it will happen and when it will happen. It's really hard to understand and accept that. I hate when people say "time will heal" or "time will tell" or "eventually." All of that sucks. I hate waiting for things to happen. I hate not knowing. And yet, nobody actually knows. I'm trying to understand that there's always been a bigger plan but I don't need to understand that plan.

I hate that, though. I want to understand and I want to see and I want to get it. I hate the waiting part and the not knowing part.

I want everything to get better and I don't want to be anxious or scared anymore. It's not fun. And it makes me do stupid things and it makes me ruin good things because I freak out. Not fun at all. Not good.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

don't be embarrassed

I think that life is way too short to be embarrassed about things that help us. I know a lot of people are embarrassed about going to therapy or counseling or whatever. I think that is ridiculous. I strongly believe that talking about things can, if not solve, at least help the situation. If you don't talk things out with whoever the problem is with or with someone who can help you deal with it in a healthy way, you will never get through anything.

Our society has such a derogatory mentality about people who go to therapists and counselors and self help groups and stuff, that it causes people to be embarrassed about the fact that maybe it helps them.

I just want to tell people something about counseling. It helps more than you know. It takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself, your family, and whoever else that you can't solve your own problems all by yourself. Talking to a professional who is there to listen and to help you and aid you in finding ways to make yourself feel better in that specific moment as well as bettering yourself so you are more equipped to deal with issues in the future.

I have gone to a therapist since I was 7 years old. Not consistently to the same one, but at different stages of my life and for different issues. I don't know if it helped me way back then (when I was going because my parents wanted me to go through their divorce), but it helped me through high school and now in college.

I found a woman who is absolutely wonderful. I had no problem driving in to the city every Wednesday during high school, or calling to make an appointment every once and a while now that I'm in college. Looking back on the past few months, calling Beth is what I should have done a few months ago. I thought I'd come so far that I didn't need help dealing with my problems, or I did but I could just put them on my friends and loved ones.

Cal Poly (and every other college, I'm assuming) has services that you can go to for peer counseling or regular counseling services. "No problem is too small" says our counseling office. I think that's really important to know. Problems that seem super small and insignificant can actually lead to bigger issues and can stay in the back of your head and push you to do things that you wouldn't normally do.

Knowing yourself is so so so important. I just want everybody to know that. Dealing with things like self esteem, confidence, fear, learning how to love yourself... those things need to be figured out in order to make your life fulfilling.

If you have somebody there to help you through it, whether it be family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, mentor, professor, etc... make sure to utilize those outlets. Talking it through with the person directly involved in the problem helps, but it also helps to talk to someone who is removed and has little or no stake in the situation. They might be able to give you insight into the situation that you can't see because you're not thinking clearly.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't believe that there is any shame in going to a professional for help. NEVER be embarrassed about the things that help you cope and help you figure out how to be a better person.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

scared to death

I just spent half an hour writing a blog. Then I decided it wasn't something I wanted the entire world to read. It's something I want to say to somebody, but I can't right now so I saved it on my computer and I will hopefully get a chance to say it at some point.

The part that I will include, however, is about Spain.

I am scared to death of going to Spain. I know that I shouldn't be, and I know that it is a great experience that I shouldn't miss out on or turn down if I have the chance, but I can't help being frightened.

Whenever I talk about it, think about it, get an e-mail about it, etc. I get anxious and freaked out. I had a dream about it the last night and I woke up barely able to breathe with my heart racing. The kid who sits next to me in Spanish 122 is also going to Spain in the fall and he was looking at the handbook for Spain on the computer today and I got unnaturally nervous and anxious and I teared up and almost got up and walked out of class.

That's how it has been for the past three months. The only thing that has helped is to get a hug from that one person and hear him tell me that everything will be okay and that there is no reason to freak out. Of course, it didn't cure the anxiety, but it at least made it a little less and bearable for the moment.

Now I'm just feeling extremely anxious all the time. I can't get those specific things out of my head and Spain is everywhere and I just want to stop thinking about it.

Part of me wants to turn down the offer and not go. Whenever I say that to somebody they tell me that I would be making a huge mistake and that when I come back I will wonder why I ever doubted my experience there. Part of me believes them, but like I said, I'm so scared of going that I can't even think about it clearly.

We have a meeting about it tonight. We will be going over the handbook and classes and stuff. I don't even want to go because I know I'm going to break down in the middle of it and it will be bad.

When I lived at home during high school and stuff, I went and saw a woman named Beth and talked about everything going on in my life. She was a wonderful therapist. I'm calling her tomorrow to have a phone session. Hopefully that will help me figure things out.

I'm also going home this weekend so maybe it will help to talk to my parents and figure out what I can do to fix everything and ease my anxiety.

Maybe I can't fix everything, but I really do still care. And I've figured out a lot of things over the past few days.

It makes me feel so stupid that I am so freaked out about Spain. What is wrong with me? I've screwed up so many things because of my anxiety and insecurity about Spain. Why am I so stupid? Why didn't I deal with this three months ago when I found out about Spain and started freaking out?

I can't believe I was/am so dumb.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


There's something wrong with me that I push everybody who is important to me away from me.

I screw up things that are good and shouldn't be screwed up. Normal people wouldn't do the shit I do.

It makes me so mad at myself that I push away the most important people in my life.


tonight made my heart hurt

I'm still awake and it is 4:25 a.m.

I had a pretty shitty night.

Spent the past two hours having an extremely eye opening conversation with Nikol and Ashley.

I am going to start learning a lot more about myself and deciding what is important and not important in my life.

Tonight things were not good. Basically, I fell apart and we didn't work tonight. I do know that he is important to me, though.

I really hope that I'm as important to him as he is to me.... I'll be praying for that tonight. Among other things.

Right now, my heart feels like it is going to break in half. I'm really upset. I hope I didn't fuck everything up. I'm hurting.

Please let everything work out...

I've got a lot of growing and learning to do.

Thank you so much to Nikol and Ashley. You girls mean so much to me and I'm incredibly lucky to have people like you in my life... people who will sit up with me until ungodly hours in the morning when I have a mental breakdown. I love you girls.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

wait, i didn't do that... did i really? crap...

Okay, for everybody who has had a night that they don't remember and wish the did, or do remember and wish they didn't... this site is for you. Of course, it's not completely politically correct, but what website nowadays is? Anyway, check it out, it will make you laugh.

texts from last night

(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

Monday, May 11, 2009

in need of organization

My life is in need of major organization.

I have projects to work on, quizzes to complete, homework to do, meetings to attend, checks to write, jobs to get, etc.

It's crazy.

Not to mention that our marketing project is moving very slow (luckily Rachel, Aaron, and I are working hard to try to figure things out). Every time I ask my professor a question he's not very helpful. It kinda sucks.

On the plus side, today is me and Luke's 6 month anniversary. We went out to dinner and we're watching Bedtime Stories tonight (after he watches 24 and I do some research for the ad project and magazine/television demographics, of course).

That's all.

Friday, May 8, 2009

any three words but those

This quote from Grey's Anatomy made my heart pound. It was amazing and sad and wonderful all at the same time.

(Christina is upset with Owen. As she's yelling at him, he hands her a piece of paper)
Cristina: Hey there now. Take care now. Nice work Yang. What is this?
Owen: It's my shrink. My shrink gave me these sentences. We ah, we came up with them together. They're all 3 word sentences. So I could have something to say to you instead of the 3 words that are... that are killing me. The 3 words that you know I feel but I can't say them, because it would be cruel to say them, because I am no good for you. I don't wanna torture you. I don't wanna look at you longingly when I know I can't be with you. So, yeah I'm smiling, and I'm saying take care now. I'm letting you off the hook. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to let you off the hook. I'm trying to make it right. What I did to you. Can't you see that? I'm just trying to make it right.
Cristina: (gives the paper back) Take care now.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

if all months were like this April...

If all months were like this April, I'd probably be bed-ridden from exhaustion.

Don't get me wrong, April was an absolutely AMAZING month; I'm just glad that the next few weeks (and the rest of May) won't be quite as crazy.

The month kicked off with Easter (I guess, technically that was the second week of April, but bare with me). I got to see my little cousin (I guess he's my second cousin - the kid of a cousin... actually, the kid of a step cousin who is not actually related to my family by blood at all... yeah, my family is confusing). Anyway, Easter with the fam. Pretty cool.

The next weekend was Mamma Mia! in LA with Nikol, Kat, Ashley, and Cassie. Already wrote about that. What a blast.

Then came the really crazy part.

On April 23, I had class, packed, went downtown with Luke to get a cowboy hat and sunglasses, cleaned, went to abut 20 minutes of a wine and cheese party for my study abroad trip to Spain. I left the party early and headed down to Orange County to stay at Kathryn's house for the night before we headed to Palm Desert for Stagecoach. Of course, I left my printed out tickets in my apartment. The one most important thing I needed was left at home. Luckily I was able to easily print out another copy of them. It gave me a scare for a bit, though!

There were seven girls total. Me, Kathryn, Jen, Alex, Stephanie, Christine, and Brittany. We got to Kathryn's at about 2 in the morning, slept until 10 the next day, and then made the drive to Palm Desert.

We ended up renting a hotel room because Steph and Christine didn't want to camp (not to mention the camp sites were probably already full by the time we were making the arrangements). We were only supposed to have 4 people in the hotel room, but we ended up having 7 (and getting busted about 10 min after our arrival).

The room was more of an apartment than a simple room. Complete with kitchen, two queen beds, a bathroom, a pullout couch, cable, a dining table, and a little outside sitting area. Pretty nice for a total of $50 per person for two nights. It was pretty comfortable.

Then came... STAGECOACH!!!!!

We woke up on Saturday and headed out to Stagecoach. We laid out our blankets behind a speaker so there was nobody in front of us, but the music was very loud. It was warm, but we were all glad that we missed the 106 degree weather that was there the weekend before when Coachella was at the same venue. Even though there was a high chance of all of us getting extremely painfully sunburned, we all applied sunscreen religiously and came out surprisingly unharmed. We stayed in front of the "Mane Stage" because that's where most of the people we wanted to see were.

We all bought Stagecoach t-shirts. Mine is black with gray writing. Brittany and I also took advantage of the water bottle deal they had. If you bought their water bottles, it was $2 per bottle. If you refilled one of their water bottles, it was $1 per bottle. If you bought a Stagecoach water bottle, you paid $10 and got unlimited refills the entire weekend. We did that. We drank a lot of water and it definitely paid for itself; not to mention that we stayed hydrated and cool! Kathryn, Brittany, Alex, Jen, and I also waited in line for an hour to get a really cool FREE screen printed Stagecoach poster. They normally sell posters for $10, but this was a special one. It has all the performers and stuff printed on it. It's pretty sweet.

The lineup for Day 1 was:
Danielle Peck (3:50 p.m.) - she was a great performer. some weird songs though.
Darius Rucker (5:00 p.m.) - "Hootie" from "Hootie and the Blowfish" - HE WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! His songs were great, I loved his stage appearance, basically, I love him.
Little Big Town (6:30 p.m.) - great stage presence. very personable. loved hearing them play.
Reba (8:00 p.m.) - she is my country music guilty pleasure. I used to watch her show with my mom and my sister when I was younger. steph and I had a blast singing to all her songs. I didn't know how happy seeing her would make me.
Brad Paisley (9:30 p.m.) - I'd seen him before, but I had a blast watching him again. he is a great performer and I always have so much fun dancing and singing to his songs.

These are the five of us who are living together next year :)

While Brad Paisley played, we all sung and danced and stuff. We did some line dancing with the people around us. It was a lot of fun. A guy even asked Kathryn to dance with him!! (Actually, I think that happened during Reba, but who cares!)

We left a little bit early (like, the second to last song) to get to the parking lot so that we would miss some of the traffic. Well, we didn't miss any of the traffic. We sat in a line of cars waiting to get out for about an hour. We didn't get back to the hotel until after 1 in the morning. Everybody was pretty grumpy. Not to mention, I needed to go to the bathroom and I had stubbed my toe on Kathryn's cowboy boot and it hurt super bad.

The next day, however, we were all ready to do it again. We got up, got dressed, packed up all our stuff, and headed out to the fairgrounds. Luckily we got there earlier and got a better parking spot (well, we kinda created our own spots, but who cares).

The lineup for day 2 was:
Randy Houser (2:15 p.m.) - I didn't really watch him, some of us were out getting posters and stuff. I don't know any of his songs anyway (except one).
Zac Brown Band (3:25 p.m.) - they were a lot older than we thought they were. everybody had a blast singing "Chicken Fried" and it was really cool. I didn't know very many of their other songs.
Lady Antebellum (4:40 p.m.) - they were wonderful. I loved hearing them sing. I love their music so much and it was cool to see them on stage.
Miranda Lambert (6:00 p.m.) - she's crazy. but fun to watch.
Kid Rock (7:30 p.m.) - I have mixed feelings about him. we definitely had fun rocking out to Kid Rock, but he was kind of full of himself and kind of an ass. he stayed on stage 30 min longer than he was supposed to so he delayed the next performer. kinda frustrating. not to mention that he's not all THAT country.
Kenny Chesney (9:15 p.m.) - well, we was SUPPOSED to go on at 9:15, but he didn't get on until 9:45. he was a great performer as well. I'd never seen him in concert, so I had a lot of fun with that.

roomies (again)

Waiting in line for our super cool posters!

Unfortunately, we left Kenny early because we wanted to get back on the road. We were driving back to SLO that night, and it was a 6 hour drive. The earlier we left, the better. We had absolutely no problem getting out of the parking lot, and we were on the road by 11:30. I slept in the car for about 2 hours, but then I woke up and kept Kathryn company while she drove. We got in to SLO at about 4:30 in the morning. I ended up going to sleep at 5.

That's all I'm going to write about for now. It seems long enough. I will continue with this crazy month's adventures tomorrow.

I haven't had time to write in my blog at all this week (as you will see in my next blog) but I'm hoping to write more as I get more time. Writing is always hard to do when I have mid terms, tests, finals, etc. This week is relatively free though. I'm hoping to catch up on some sleep. We'll see though. (I didn't get much sleep last night either; not to mention the HUGE hike me, Luke, and Mark took. More on that later)

In any case, Stagecoach was one of the most amazing experiences of my life thus far. I had so much fun with the girls I went with. I can't thank my amazing boyfriend enough for surprising me with the two day tickets he bought for me.

all us girls :)

Sorry, I couldn't decide on one or two pictures to post. I just posted a few of my favorites. They're pretty amazing, don't you think?

I can't wait until next year. I'm already going to start saving up my money.

Friday, May 1, 2009

this worries me

watch this.

please tell me this does not make you completely embarrassed and kind of worried that so many people like this have voting power in our country...

Are Americans Really That Stupid? - The best bloopers are a click away