Tuesday, May 19, 2009

scared to death

I just spent half an hour writing a blog. Then I decided it wasn't something I wanted the entire world to read. It's something I want to say to somebody, but I can't right now so I saved it on my computer and I will hopefully get a chance to say it at some point.

The part that I will include, however, is about Spain.

I am scared to death of going to Spain. I know that I shouldn't be, and I know that it is a great experience that I shouldn't miss out on or turn down if I have the chance, but I can't help being frightened.

Whenever I talk about it, think about it, get an e-mail about it, etc. I get anxious and freaked out. I had a dream about it the last night and I woke up barely able to breathe with my heart racing. The kid who sits next to me in Spanish 122 is also going to Spain in the fall and he was looking at the handbook for Spain on the computer today and I got unnaturally nervous and anxious and I teared up and almost got up and walked out of class.

That's how it has been for the past three months. The only thing that has helped is to get a hug from that one person and hear him tell me that everything will be okay and that there is no reason to freak out. Of course, it didn't cure the anxiety, but it at least made it a little less and bearable for the moment.

Now I'm just feeling extremely anxious all the time. I can't get those specific things out of my head and Spain is everywhere and I just want to stop thinking about it.

Part of me wants to turn down the offer and not go. Whenever I say that to somebody they tell me that I would be making a huge mistake and that when I come back I will wonder why I ever doubted my experience there. Part of me believes them, but like I said, I'm so scared of going that I can't even think about it clearly.

We have a meeting about it tonight. We will be going over the handbook and classes and stuff. I don't even want to go because I know I'm going to break down in the middle of it and it will be bad.

When I lived at home during high school and stuff, I went and saw a woman named Beth and talked about everything going on in my life. She was a wonderful therapist. I'm calling her tomorrow to have a phone session. Hopefully that will help me figure things out.

I'm also going home this weekend so maybe it will help to talk to my parents and figure out what I can do to fix everything and ease my anxiety.

Maybe I can't fix everything, but I really do still care. And I've figured out a lot of things over the past few days.

It makes me feel so stupid that I am so freaked out about Spain. What is wrong with me? I've screwed up so many things because of my anxiety and insecurity about Spain. Why am I so stupid? Why didn't I deal with this three months ago when I found out about Spain and started freaking out?

I can't believe I was/am so dumb.

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