still learning

I really recommend everybody listening to this song. It's inspirational and it speaks so much truth. I'm still learning... but having some help would be/is amazing.

Learning How To Bend - Gary Allan

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

click here to watch the music video

I'm still trying to understand that I don't need to know what is going to happen and how it will happen and when it will happen. It's really hard to understand and accept that. I hate when people say "time will heal" or "time will tell" or "eventually." All of that sucks. I hate waiting for things to happen. I hate not knowing. And yet, nobody actually knows. I'm trying to understand that there's always been a bigger plan but I don't need to understand that plan.

I hate that, though. I want to understand and I want to see and I want to get it. I hate the waiting part and the not knowing part.

I want everything to get better and I don't want to be anxious or scared anymore. It's not fun. And it makes me do stupid things and it makes me ruin good things because I freak out. Not fun at all. Not good.