Wednesday, February 9, 2011

day 8

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself
Day 2 - Something you love about yourself
Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do
Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for
Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit
Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (write a letter).
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What's the best thing going for your right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you  hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

As one of my moves to improve myself, I am trying to move on from things in the past and not hold on to grudges and ways that people have hurt me in the previous years. That being said, high school sucked for me and I still haven't gotten over it.

Now, lots of people say that they hated high school as well and that everybody's high school years sucked - and I'm sure that's (at least partially) true. But seriously, my high school experience sucked, mainly due to the group who I used to call my best friends. I won't name names, because I think (and hope) that a lot of those people have grown up in the past five or six years since then and I don't think they need the whole story floating around the internet (although some of the mean things they did to me did made it to cyber space).

I won't get into all the details, because that would just bore you, but basically I was dating one of my good guy friends, rumors started, and then all of my best friends stopped talking to me and literally started making my life a living hell. There were days when I was literally scared to leave my house because I was scared about what they would do or say if they saw me. It was really sad - and scary.

At lunch, I ate alone up in my step-mom's class room (she is a high school science teacher), and on weekends I sat at home alone. I even went as far as to find friends at our rival high school and almost switched schools because I was so miserable and scared and hurt every single moment I was at my own school. There were a few friends who stuck by my side, but it is hard to support somebody when the rest of your friends hate that person. Everybody just wants to fit in when they are in high school - most people haven't reached the mentality of not needing to follow the "popular kids" or fit in to a large group of friends because that's what's cool. (Then again, a lot of people never adopt that mentality, but that's another issue.)

A couple months before high school graduation, one of the boys texted me and asked me if he could speak to me at our brunch break for a few minutes. I nearly had an anxiety attack. He was one of the worst ones; I had no idea what he was going to say to me. Surprisingly, he apologized. He said the exact words "I am so sorry for making your life a living hell for the past year or so. It wasn't right, I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry." I told him I couldn't forgive him, but that I appreciated his apology. I didn't know what else to do - there was no way I was ready to forgive him or the rest of them (I'm not sure I ever will be).

As for the rest of them - probably about 5 or 6 in total (plus whoever else just followed along with it) - I never heard them say they were sorry. I still see them sometimes when I go home for breaks - or around the college campus - and we generally act as though everything is at least okay, but I would never consider them my friends again. 

I could write about this for hours, but I won't bore you with that. There are a lot of things from those high school years that shaped me into who I am today, like I still don't trust people the way I did before those years. However I would say that, looking back on all of it, I am a better and stronger person for it. Of course I wish none of that had happened, and despite all of it I still sometimes miss that group of friends, but I'm better off without them. Like I said, I'm a better person than I was before and I can honestly say that the strength I developed through that whole experience has helped make me into the person I am today.

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