day 3

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (write a letter).

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 - What's the best thing going for your right now?

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 - Something you  hope to change about yourself and why.

Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I messed up a lot of things in high school. I won't get into the details for you here because I am not sure if I will ever be ready to tell the entire world all the ways I was a terrible friend, daughter, girlfriend, etc. - and I am not sure you want to hear about it. If I told you everything, any respect you have for me would probably be non-existent. Those were not great years for me. Basically, the four years I spent in high school were some of the worst years of my life.

I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I made back then. I have spent a lot of time hating myself for who I was and letting those decisions and mistakes hold me back now. The person I was then scares me because I never want to be back in that place ever again - I never want to be that person ever again. I hurt a lot of people, including myself, and I didn't really realize how much I loved my family and how much their support helped me through the darkest of times (whether they were caused by my own mistakes or by other people's actions, it is unimportant). 

The forgiveness that only I can grant myself in regards to that time in my life would most likely set me free and allow me to really live life to the fullest from now on. 

I just have to figure out how.

LOVE it

Today I studied all day. Well, actually, I had a group meeting from 9-11, then went to the library and worked on another group meeting from 11:30-3:30, cleaned the house (which looks and smells FANTASTIC thanks to me and my lovely roomies), and then went back to studying.

Somewhere in there I found the time to take a break and watch the most recent episode of Glee and I loved it! Of course, I am a sucker for the song "Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing - one of my all time favorite movies (come to think of it, I'm adding that to my Christmas List).

Here is the Glee version, they did a fantastic job. Enjoy!

And I would include the Dirty Dancing one... but YouTube doesn't have any videos that let me embed the video, so you will have to just go watch it yourself.

I hope you have a wonderful night!

P.S. Looking forward to popcorn and Love Actually with Hannah and Caroline tomorrow night!

something to make you smile

I'm watching this movie with Stephanie right now (I bought it at Target this past week for $5, how could I resist?)

I hope you enjoy this scene and it makes you smile, it's one of my all time favorites.

day 2

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (write a letter).

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 - What's the best thing going for your right now?

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 - Something you  hope to change about yourself and why.

Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

My friend Matt and I talk about this a lot, actually. I come to him with my problems, and he helps me through them - but he also always maintains that I need to have higher self esteem and that I need to take pride in my accomplishments and all the things that I am doing in my life.

Although I love his advice and I really take it to heart, I have a really difficult time actually following it. I really want to have higher self esteem, but I don't. I never have. I don't know how to fix it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is nothing about myself that I love. Like, there isn't one thing about my personality that makes me extremely special or amazing. There isn't anything that I pride myself in - I don't really have any amazing talents. I'm not super artistic, I'm not a fantastic writer (although I used to think I was), I don't get super good grades, I'm not super attractive, I'm dedicated to my friends but I could be better at supporting them, I love my family but I am not a huge family person. I mean, I'm working on my dedication and emotional connections to people - I try to be the best person I can be, but it never seems to be enough and I always seem to let myself and other people down.

I'm not proud of who I was in high school, and I'm not ecstatic about my college experiences. I've gone to therapy for the majority of my life, and through that I have tried to let go of the things in my past that I dislike about myself and my life, and I work towards becoming a person that I will eventually love. 

The best way to put it is that I don't necessarily love any part of myself - yet. But I'm working towards it which is pretty much the best I can ask for right now. 

One thing I am extremely proud of, though, is that I was able to overcome my fears and anxiety about going to Spain last fall, and I was able to fly half way across the world, live in a foreign country, and not only survive, but also thrive while I was there. This is also something that Matt and I talk about a lot (Matt, if you're reading this, thank you!) I guess "pride" and "love" can be along the same lines.

Can we just agree that I can work on myself and when I do find something I love about myself, I'll let you know?

Thanks ;)

P.S. Check out Matt's soccer website Constantly Offside! (That's right, I'm shamelessly advertising his website, you know you'd do the same)

i wish

I found this postcard on a blog called That Girl that I came across while on another blog. It brought tears to my eyes... maybe it's because it is so sweet, maybe it's because my name is also Rachel, or maybe it's because I just really love to dream about being swept off my feet. In any case, I love it.

It is one of my favorite Post Secrets yet. (even though it was originally posted sometime in 2009)

I hope one day a guy loves me enough to write me love letters (there was a boy who wrote me love letters once and put them in a book for me... that has since stopped, but eventually there will be a new boy - or man, I hope). Whoever that Rachel is, she's a lucky girl and I hope she got the letter and loved the boy back.

Every girl deserves to receive love letters every once and a while...