Monday, November 29, 2010

day 2

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself
Day 2 - Something you love about yourself
Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do
Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for
Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit
Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (write a letter).
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What's the best thing going for your right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you  hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

My friend Matt and I talk about this a lot, actually. I come to him with my problems, and he helps me through them - but he also always maintains that I need to have higher self esteem and that I need to take pride in my accomplishments and all the things that I am doing in my life.
Although I love his advice and I really take it to heart, I have a really difficult time actually following it. I really want to have higher self esteem, but I don't. I never have. I don't know how to fix it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is nothing about myself that I love. Like, there isn't one thing about my personality that makes me extremely special or amazing. There isn't anything that I pride myself in - I don't really have any amazing talents. I'm not super artistic, I'm not a fantastic writer (although I used to think I was), I don't get super good grades, I'm not super attractive, I'm dedicated to my friends but I could be better at supporting them, I love my family but I am not a huge family person. I mean, I'm working on my dedication and emotional connections to people - I try to be the best person I can be, but it never seems to be enough and I always seem to let myself and other people down.

I'm not proud of who I was in high school, and I'm not ecstatic about my college experiences. I've gone to therapy for the majority of my life, and through that I have tried to let go of the things in my past that I dislike about myself and my life, and I work towards becoming a person that I will eventually love. 

The best way to put it is that I don't necessarily love any part of myself - yet. But I'm working towards it which is pretty much the best I can ask for right now. 

One thing I am extremely proud of, though, is that I was able to overcome my fears and anxiety about going to Spain last fall, and I was able to fly half way across the world, live in a foreign country, and not only survive, but also thrive while I was there. This is also something that Matt and I talk about a lot (Matt, if you're reading this, thank you!) I guess "pride" and "love" can be along the same lines.

Can we just agree that I can work on myself and when I do find something I love about myself, I'll let you know?
Thanks ;)

P.S. Check out Matt's soccer website Constantly Offside! (That's right, I'm shamelessly advertising his website, you know you'd do the same)

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