out of decaf?!

This morning I went to get my daily cup of tea before Econ.
I normally drink decaf.
They didn't have any.
I drank the caffeinated stuff anyway, and by half way through my Econ class I was so anxious and wanting to leave class so badly.
But I couldn't.

Caffeine and naturally high levels of anxiety do not make a good mix. One of the worst feelings ever.

It still hasn't worn off and I just want it to go away.

hopeful

Sometimes being hopeful can be excruciating.

Hopeful can cause pain.
Hopeful can cause anxiety.
Hopeful can lead to tears.

When hopeful works out, hopeful can be the best thing in the world.
When it doesn't work out, though, hopeful can cause the world to come crashing down.

Hopeful can lead to misplaced optimism.
Hopeful can affect your ability to see clearly.
Hopeful can screw you over if you depend on it.

I know all these things.
I know that being hopeful won't prevail.
I know that my hopes will hurt me in the end.
And yet... I can't stop.

Despite the pain of being hopeful, despite my pessimistic outlook on life, despite always thinking that things will end badly (and they normally do), I am hopeful.

Why?

still learning

I really recommend everybody listening to this song. It's inspirational and it speaks so much truth. I'm still learning... but having some help would be/is amazing.

Learning How To Bend - Gary Allan

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

click here to watch the music video

I'm still trying to understand that I don't need to know what is going to happen and how it will happen and when it will happen. It's really hard to understand and accept that. I hate when people say "time will heal" or "time will tell" or "eventually." All of that sucks. I hate waiting for things to happen. I hate not knowing. And yet, nobody actually knows. I'm trying to understand that there's always been a bigger plan but I don't need to understand that plan.

I hate that, though. I want to understand and I want to see and I want to get it. I hate the waiting part and the not knowing part.

I want everything to get better and I don't want to be anxious or scared anymore. It's not fun. And it makes me do stupid things and it makes me ruin good things because I freak out. Not fun at all. Not good.

don't be embarrassed

I think that life is way too short to be embarrassed about things that help us. I know a lot of people are embarrassed about going to therapy or counseling or whatever. I think that is ridiculous. I strongly believe that talking about things can, if not solve, at least help the situation. If you don't talk things out with whoever the problem is with or with someone who can help you deal with it in a healthy way, you will never get through anything.

Our society has such a derogatory mentality about people who go to therapists and counselors and self help groups and stuff, that it causes people to be embarrassed about the fact that maybe it helps them.

I just want to tell people something about counseling. It helps more than you know. It takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself, your family, and whoever else that you can't solve your own problems all by yourself. Talking to a professional who is there to listen and to help you and aid you in finding ways to make yourself feel better in that specific moment as well as bettering yourself so you are more equipped to deal with issues in the future.

I have gone to a therapist since I was 7 years old. Not consistently to the same one, but at different stages of my life and for different issues. I don't know if it helped me way back then (when I was going because my parents wanted me to go through their divorce), but it helped me through high school and now in college.

I found a woman who is absolutely wonderful. I had no problem driving in to the city every Wednesday during high school, or calling to make an appointment every once and a while now that I'm in college. Looking back on the past few months, calling Beth is what I should have done a few months ago. I thought I'd come so far that I didn't need help dealing with my problems, or I did but I could just put them on my friends and loved ones.

Cal Poly (and every other college, I'm assuming) has services that you can go to for peer counseling or regular counseling services. "No problem is too small" says our counseling office. I think that's really important to know. Problems that seem super small and insignificant can actually lead to bigger issues and can stay in the back of your head and push you to do things that you wouldn't normally do.

Knowing yourself is so so so important. I just want everybody to know that. Dealing with things like self esteem, confidence, fear, learning how to love yourself... those things need to be figured out in order to make your life fulfilling.

If you have somebody there to help you through it, whether it be family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, mentor, professor, etc... make sure to utilize those outlets. Talking it through with the person directly involved in the problem helps, but it also helps to talk to someone who is removed and has little or no stake in the situation. They might be able to give you insight into the situation that you can't see because you're not thinking clearly.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't believe that there is any shame in going to a professional for help. NEVER be embarrassed about the things that help you cope and help you figure out how to be a better person.

scared to death

I just spent half an hour writing a blog. Then I decided it wasn't something I wanted the entire world to read. It's something I want to say to somebody, but I can't right now so I saved it on my computer and I will hopefully get a chance to say it at some point.

The part that I will include, however, is about Spain.

I am scared to death of going to Spain. I know that I shouldn't be, and I know that it is a great experience that I shouldn't miss out on or turn down if I have the chance, but I can't help being frightened.

Whenever I talk about it, think about it, get an e-mail about it, etc. I get anxious and freaked out. I had a dream about it the last night and I woke up barely able to breathe with my heart racing. The kid who sits next to me in Spanish 122 is also going to Spain in the fall and he was looking at the handbook for Spain on the computer today and I got unnaturally nervous and anxious and I teared up and almost got up and walked out of class.

That's how it has been for the past three months. The only thing that has helped is to get a hug from that one person and hear him tell me that everything will be okay and that there is no reason to freak out. Of course, it didn't cure the anxiety, but it at least made it a little less and bearable for the moment.

Now I'm just feeling extremely anxious all the time. I can't get those specific things out of my head and Spain is everywhere and I just want to stop thinking about it.

Part of me wants to turn down the offer and not go. Whenever I say that to somebody they tell me that I would be making a huge mistake and that when I come back I will wonder why I ever doubted my experience there. Part of me believes them, but like I said, I'm so scared of going that I can't even think about it clearly.

We have a meeting about it tonight. We will be going over the handbook and classes and stuff. I don't even want to go because I know I'm going to break down in the middle of it and it will be bad.

When I lived at home during high school and stuff, I went and saw a woman named Beth and talked about everything going on in my life. She was a wonderful therapist. I'm calling her tomorrow to have a phone session. Hopefully that will help me figure things out.

I'm also going home this weekend so maybe it will help to talk to my parents and figure out what I can do to fix everything and ease my anxiety.

Maybe I can't fix everything, but I really do still care. And I've figured out a lot of things over the past few days.

It makes me feel so stupid that I am so freaked out about Spain. What is wrong with me? I've screwed up so many things because of my anxiety and insecurity about Spain. Why am I so stupid? Why didn't I deal with this three months ago when I found out about Spain and started freaking out?

I can't believe I was/am so dumb.