day 2

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (write a letter).

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 - What's the best thing going for your right now?

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 - Something you  hope to change about yourself and why.

Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

My friend Matt and I talk about this a lot, actually. I come to him with my problems, and he helps me through them - but he also always maintains that I need to have higher self esteem and that I need to take pride in my accomplishments and all the things that I am doing in my life.

Although I love his advice and I really take it to heart, I have a really difficult time actually following it. I really want to have higher self esteem, but I don't. I never have. I don't know how to fix it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is nothing about myself that I love. Like, there isn't one thing about my personality that makes me extremely special or amazing. There isn't anything that I pride myself in - I don't really have any amazing talents. I'm not super artistic, I'm not a fantastic writer (although I used to think I was), I don't get super good grades, I'm not super attractive, I'm dedicated to my friends but I could be better at supporting them, I love my family but I am not a huge family person. I mean, I'm working on my dedication and emotional connections to people - I try to be the best person I can be, but it never seems to be enough and I always seem to let myself and other people down.

I'm not proud of who I was in high school, and I'm not ecstatic about my college experiences. I've gone to therapy for the majority of my life, and through that I have tried to let go of the things in my past that I dislike about myself and my life, and I work towards becoming a person that I will eventually love. 

The best way to put it is that I don't necessarily love any part of myself - yet. But I'm working towards it which is pretty much the best I can ask for right now. 

One thing I am extremely proud of, though, is that I was able to overcome my fears and anxiety about going to Spain last fall, and I was able to fly half way across the world, live in a foreign country, and not only survive, but also thrive while I was there. This is also something that Matt and I talk about a lot (Matt, if you're reading this, thank you!) I guess "pride" and "love" can be along the same lines.

Can we just agree that I can work on myself and when I do find something I love about myself, I'll let you know?

Thanks ;)

P.S. Check out Matt's soccer website Constantly Offside! (That's right, I'm shamelessly advertising his website, you know you'd do the same)

i wish

I found this postcard on a blog called That Girl that I came across while on another blog. It brought tears to my eyes... maybe it's because it is so sweet, maybe it's because my name is also Rachel, or maybe it's because I just really love to dream about being swept off my feet. In any case, I love it.

It is one of my favorite Post Secrets yet. (even though it was originally posted sometime in 2009)

I hope one day a guy loves me enough to write me love letters (there was a boy who wrote me love letters once and put them in a book for me... that has since stopped, but eventually there will be a new boy - or man, I hope). Whoever that Rachel is, she's a lucky girl and I hope she got the letter and loved the boy back.

Every girl deserves to receive love letters every once and a while...

couldn't be more thankful

This year I am thankful for my family. I am thankful that we are all healthy, safe, and that we got to spend Thanksgiving together. As some of you know, this past year (and the year before) has been pretty hard on us. I won't get into the details because, well, most of it is just really personal and I don't really want to broadcast it all over the internet. But we will just leave it at this - we have had a really hard year on all fronts and it is nothing short of a miracle that we were all able to be together today. (And yes, I did tear up a little bit writing this.)

Cousins: (top row) Savannah, me, Allison, Zac, Zoe, Sadie (bottom row): Liana, Cassie

I got to spend Thanksgiving with my mom and her side of the family. We had our largest Thanksgiving meal to date - 22 people!! Yeah, I know, we are crazy. It worked out wonderfully though! I got to see my cousins and my uncles and aunts and we had an absolutely wonderful, (almost) stress free day.

I am also thankful for:

• My wonderful friends - I don't know what I would do without your love and support
• The girls I am working with on senior project - you all inspire me so much, thank you for being a great support system (I promise I will get around to writing about my project - eventually)
• My family - again, I'm so glad that everybody is alive and well. I love every single person in my large, unorthodox, crazy family
• The blog world - cheesy but true, I love gaining inspiration from all the blogs I read
• The fact that I have food on my table/in the refrigerator (most of the time) and a roof over my head
• My parents - because I wouldn't have the wonderful opportunities that I have without their hard work and determination to give me and my sisters the most amazing life ever, a life that neither one of them had when they were little

Here are a couple pictures from today, I will probably have another post later with more.

The dessert table - cupcakes, cookies, brownies, and three different types of pie

My beautiful and adorable step-niece, Madison Joy

Food - I consider myself so blessed to be able to say that we not only had our choice of food today, but we had enough to feed a small army (which we basically did) and still had leftovers. (not pitured: green-beans, stuffing, and salad)

Yeah, I've got a pretty awesome life. Sometimes I take it for granted, but I really am thankful for the people around me and the opportunities that I have. It's all so special and amazing. 

going by boat

I saw this video when I was browsing through A Cup of Joe today. It made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.




-Is that fair trade?
-Well, they're organic.
-Is that what I asked you?!

the castle on the hill

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity of going on a private Hearst Castle Christmas tour with the Cal Poly chapter of the Public Relations Student Society of America. Our professor/club advisor is the public relations director for Hearst Castle. He does paid tours for the public, but for us he does it for free. (Thank you so so much Professor Eller!)

For those of you who don't know, William Randolph Hearst was an extremely successful newspaper publisher and politician. When he was a young boy he traveled around Europe with his mother, touring country sides, castles, and dreaming of all the wonderful things he would one day accomplish. Long story short (skipping all the journalism stuff that interests me, but probably won't interest most of the people who read it), once WR Hearst had made millions of dollars, he decided he wanted to build his own castle on a hill - just like the ones he had seen in Europe when he was a boy.

He worked with architect Julia Morgan to build a beautiful castle in San Simeon, California. While Hearst lived there he invited famous writers, actors, and politicians to come stay at the castle and experience all the wonders he had created there. Pools, tennis courts, a zoo, not to mention the wonderful view of the Pacific Ocean are only some of the attractions that made Hearst Castle the amazing place that it is.

I won't tell you too much more about the castle, because really nothing I say or do will do the place justice. You will just have to check it out for yourself - and believe me, it is worth the trip. Until then, however, I will leave you with some pictures to tide you over.

The Neptune Pool - rebuilt three times before Hearst was happy with it

The rooms in the house are each set up as they were seventy years ago. This is a woman's bathroom in one of the guest houses.

La Casa Grande - the main house where they ate dinner, watched movies (in his own private movie theater), played pool, etc. The architecture is based off of that which Hearst saw on his trip to Europe as a young boy. Most of it is based off of Spanish architecture. It kind of made me miss my Spanish home.

Romantic statue in Casa Grande

Table settings in La Casa Grande. When Hearst was a boy he and his family went camping at the exact location where the castle is now located. The china is his mother's "camping china" (funny huh?) and the mustard and ketchup are there because Hearst still loved the camping feel.

The dining room where Hearst would eat dinner with his guests. It is decorated for the holidays. Beautiful huh? (Sorry about the quality - no flashes indoors)

The Roman Pool - indoors and beautiful

Diving platform at the beautiful Roman Pool

The Castle On The Hill

P.S. By no means am I an architect, and although the type of style of architecture might be different, you can definitely see some similarities. Here is an architectural comparison of one of the pictures above to a photo I took in Spain:

Hearst Castle, California

El Escorial, Spain

Note: The pictures aren't my best and I was a little disappointed in them. I haven't quite learned how to take photos indoors - especially when you aren't allowed to use flash inside.

30 days of truth

I have been reading this blog "After 'I Do'" for a while and have been meaning to "play along" with this 30 Days of Truth thing that she does. Tonight seemed as good a night as any to start with Day 1. Krysten (the author of After 'I Do') writes her "day of truth" every Sunday. I'm not sure if I can commit to something that regular, but I figure I'll just do each day whenever I feel compelled.

Feel free to join me and Krysten! (By the way, I want to say thank you to Krysten for her fantastic blog! I love reading it.)

Anyway, here it goes!

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (write a letter).

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 - What's the best thing going for your right now?

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 - Something you  hope to change about yourself and why.

Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

If you  know me at all, you know that I hate my ears. I know, it sounds like something that is extremely stupid and superficial, but ever since I was in 5th grade I have hated my ears with a passion.

I actually remember the day that I really realized that I hated them. It was a relatively sunny day and my class was all lined up to head over to one of our specialty classes (could have been art, music, Spanish... something like that). We were standing by the white board and this boy, let's call him Dale, started drawing on the board. He was actually a pretty good artist so it was pretty obvious after a few seconds that he was drawing a picture of me... a picture of me with HUGE ears. I tried to pretend that it didn't upset me, but obviously it did upset me because 12 years later I still hate my ears.

Now, looking back on it, it was probably just a little kid flirtatious thing, but it still really hurt my feelings! To this day I will not wear my hair in any sort of way that will show my ears, that includes pony tales and hats (hats because they accentuate my ears to the extreme). I also check my hair before any photos are taken of me, and if my ears are showing at all in the photo, I make the person take another one. 

On the bright side, over the past few months I have been trying a few different things with my hair - just being a little more adventurous than I was before. I have actually discovered that headbands are cute, stylish, and they don't make my ears stick out! (The do, however, squeeze behind my ears and sometimes give me a headache, but generally I just make a mental note and don't wear those ones as much.)

So that's my superficial "Day 1 of Truth". Maybe I'll write a not-so-superficial one later.

No classes or work for the next two days which means I have a four day weekend. I'm very excited.

today's PS

My favorite secret from Post Secret today :)

...because Craigs List Missed Connections are so much fun!

And a few others from previous Sundays...

That last one makes me smile every single time I look at it :)

take a look

Remember this from when you were little? I loved this show! (and I love books)



Kara and I were talking about books tonight and it made me really want to go read. Too bad I am about ready to pass out from exhaustion. If I hadn't been light headed from lack of sleep for the past 3 days I would be writing about it right now.

Anyway, good night. Enjoy the song. Sleep well (I hope I will... chances are my head will hit the pillow and I will be unable to wake up tomorrow morning).