changes

This weekend was kind of a roller coaster. I feel like I didn't do anything, and yet I feel like I accomplished a lot.

On Thursday I went to Farmers Market and hung out at Beta. Friday I just had work and then went to sleep at 10:30 because I was EXHAUSTED!

Saturday was a lot of fun. I woke up early and went with Nikol to the "Change the Status Quo" conference  on campus. It was a really cool experience and I'm super bummed that I haven't gone the past two years I've had the opportunity. At breakfast they had a presentation by the boy who inspired the Invisible Children program. He was a very inspirational speaker and his mentor was very well spoken as well. The talked about the importance of education and the ability to change the world through teaching children the importance of words versus violence.

The rest of the day was made up on workshops. Each hour we went to a different workshop. We went to one by the SLO for Darfur club on campus. That was my favorite workshop. It really made me want to get involved. They talked about the problems in Darfur and how so many people are living in refugee camps. We also went to one about reusing household products for other things such as planters, shoelaces, etc. The last one we went to was about sex trafficking in Cambodia. That one was really hard to listen to because so many young girls are forced into prostitution in order to survive.

The entire experience made me want to get up and do something. All I need to do is find something that inspires me enough. Something that I can commit myself to that will make a difference in other people's lives. Thus far, I haven't found that thing.

The rest of my weekend was comprised of my losing struggle against my overactive anxiety. For some reason I don't know how to control my anxiety. I get anxious over everything, and then something happens and suddenly its too much to handle. It may seem like I'm overreacting about something that shouldn't matter that much, but generally there's a lot more going on than that stupid thing that's bugging me. Sometimes I don't think my friend's believe me when I say that, but it's true. I freak out about everything. Maybe I'm crazy? I don't know. What I do know is that I need to figure out a way to control my anxiety and just let things happen. I need to realize I can't be in control of everything, and that there is excitement and fun in a lot of the unknown. I tend to forget that, or don't know how to handle it.

What are ways you calm yourself down when you are anxious? Today I went for a run. It helped for a while but then the anxiety came back again. Any anti-anxiety tips would be greatly appreciated.

That's all for now. I'm watching 13 going on 30 and going to sleep. Tomorrow my classes were furloughed, so I think I'm going to run and work on the rest of my homework and projects and stuff.

sisters

Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters!!

My big sister sings that all the time.

Anyway, this is why I love my sisters (okay, not EVERY reason I love my sisters, but two reasons):

and this text message from my sister Kelley:

Me: I'm gonna go get food now but I love you and miss you. Good luck on your mid terms

Kelley: shanks! love you too! peace playa

it made me giggle

picture perfect weekend

This past weekend was absolutely PERFECT for so many reasons. I mean, naturally it was perfect because  classes were canceled on Monday because it was President's Day, but everything else just seemed to fall into place around that.

I think my favorite part of the weekend was Saturday. I got to spend the entire day with Nikol and Stephanie. We hung out at my house for a little bit then got some different outfits together and headed out to Moro Bay so we could have a photo shoot of Steph. The light was absolutely beautiful and the location was perfect because we had settings with forrest, meadow, and beach. Stephanie was a wonderful model. She is so photogenic and so willing to do anything we asked her to do!

Here are a few favorite shots from my collection of 400 pictures that I took while we were there:

Typical Stephanie face... I love this one!

After we got back to our house, we made dinner, watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," and got back to photography! We hung up sheets in my room to make a sort of studio setting and used my lamp as our studio light. It ended up being really fun! I just need to learn how to use my camera a bit better in that lighting. Here's a sample of some of the pictures:

This one doesn't look like Steph, but I really like the lighting! (And the black and white balance)

Nikol being the rock-star she is! (Check out some of her photographs here)

I really liked this angle... where her feet look unnaturally small. I stood on the bed and held the camera up to take this one.

There are a few more that I want to post, but I have to edit them before I can post them.

This weekend I learned why I like being behind the camera lens... I'm a sucky model! Nikol barely got ANY good pictures of me! I'm just not naturally good at it like Steph is. That's okay though, because I am really proud of the photos I took this weekend. I think they look, if not professional, above average for an amateur photographer.

I had so much fun taking these pictures and I"m so proud of how well Nikol and I did with our photography. Hopefully this isn't the end of our photo-escapades. We talked about taking photography classes and I really hope that happens!

I'm so proud of myself for taking these pictures, but any constructive criticism would be fantastic!

P.S. This blog is such an inspiration to me. She has fantastic stories, photos, and photography tips. Love it!

One more day with you...

A few weeks ago I had a dream. I don't normally remember my dreams, and even if I do they are pretty foggy. This one, however, stuck with me. For some reason, for the past few weeks, I have thought about that dream every single day.

When I was 12, my aunt died from a very rare form of cancer. She was my dad's little sister. She couldn't have children, even though she would have made the most amazing mother ever. Because she couldn't have kids, she devoted her life to taking care of my sisters and I, as well as all the kids in her neighborhood. She would throw us tea parties, sleepovers, and send us cards for every single holiday ever invented (including groundhogs day and other holidays like that).

Every single time I see my grandmother, she tells me how much I resemble my aunt. Whenever she would bring it up, I used to tear up right then and there and I'd have to excuse myself from the room because it hurt too much to hear. Now, I've done better with it. I can continue with the conversation and hold in my tears until I'm alone in my room, then I can just let myself cry.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I had a dream about my Aunt Judy. It wasn't a dream that she was still alive, but it was a dream that I got to have another day with her. That I woke up one morning, and she was there and I got to have just one day with her. Now, normally my memory of her is a bit foggy, but in my dream, it all came back. The way she used to hug me, how she wore her hair, her smell... for some reason, I could remember every single thing about her. I don't remember what we did with that day, but I remember that when I went to sleep at the end of my day with her, I somehow knew everything was going to be okay. It was like spending that day with her made everything alright. She told me she was proud of me and that she wishes she could have been there for high school graduation and to hear when my sisters and I got our college acceptance letters. When she was tucking me into bed at the end of the dream, we both knew she wouldn't be there when I woke up. I was so sad, but I was also comforted.

When I woke up the next morning, I had tear stained cheeks and my heart hurt. I am not a dream de-coder so I dont know what that dream meant. I don't know if it's a sign for something, or if someone somewhere is trying to tell me something... I just don't know.

All I know is that it has stuck with me. And now I can remember how she used to hug me and how it felt to have her around. And now I also remember how much it hurt to lose her.

This song pretty much sums it up:
One more day - Diamond Rio

I wish I could have one more day with her... but then again...

just like this

Tonight, Christine and I spent a whole lot of time watching epic kisses on YouTube. I'll post some more later, but for now, here's the one that I just came across when I was watching Dawson's Creek. It wasn't in any of the montages that we watched online.

Kisses like these are the ones that make it believable that there IS something out there. That love does happen. That passion exists.



At some point, I want to be kissed like this. I want the passion to be amazing and I want it to be the type of kiss that I think about for weeks afterward. I want the kiss to mean something, and I want my heart to skip a beat.

Sometime it'll happen and when it does, it'll be amazing.

theory of fun

I love this!



Gonna go for a run tomorrow.

Oh, and who has time to do this? I mean, it's really cool, but if it was up to me to make it, I wouldn't have the patience.



haha you can always tell when I've been stumbling

P.S. sorry that the videos don't quite fit in the post column. I'm trying to figure out how to fix that, but I don't know how. If you click on the videos, you can always view them on YouTube. The one on the bottom is really cool if you do that because you can see the whole bottom and right hand side of the page.

so this is what it's like

So, I guess I have to start being an adult now. I am 21 years old, I am WAY more than half way done with college, and I've got a whole lot on my plate. In some ways it is so exciting... that doesn't stop me from being scared out of my mind though. Once I leave Cal Poly, I am on my own. Like, getting my own job, paying my own rent, living my own life. I'm scared.

This weekend has a lot to do with planning for the future. It's amazing how one year makes a whole lot of difference. Last year at this time I was barely thinking about graduation. I was actually too freaked out about going to Spain to worry about much of anything else. Next year at this time I will be a quarter and a half away from graduation and I will be looking for long term jobs that will be able to pay the rent and maybe promote me in the future so that I can make a career out of it. Crazy.

Anyway, like I said, this weekend I have a lot to do. Here's a peak into my to-do list:

1. complete my resume and send it to my parents so they can take a look at it and help me edit it so that I can send it to possible businesses where I may be able to get an internship
2. e-mail/interview people about my article for Polyscript Magazine and write my article ASAP
3. e-mail people and companies about internships
4. do my laundry (I know, very grown up)
5. plan out my classes for the rest of college and figure out a way that I can take enough units to stay in school for the next four quarters
6. plan out my schedule for next quarter

As pertains to number 5, I met with my adviser on Monday and he asked why I'm not graduating this upcoming spring. When I told him it was because I am minoring in Spanish, he asked why I am not graduating next fall. Way to freak me out Dr. H! So now I am so worried about my grades, graduation date, living in the real world, etc. What am I supposed to do with my life?!?! Between you and me, I'm scared.

Naturally, when I'm scared, I revert to old habits from when I was younger. As for tonight, I'm watching the OC from the very first episode. Ryan is SO hott!!! How come I can't find a guy who looks like him? Or Seth, I'd be okay with that too! Welcome to a glimpse into my freshman year of high school. I'm such an adult... 7 years later. (Holy crap, has it really been that long?) -- p.s. It's funny to listen to the music they played in these shows because I actually listened to this stuff... crazy
Marissa: Who are you?
Ryan: Whoever you want me to be.